Why I am not a Christian.

Bertrand Russell gave his statement quite sometime ago and it may be an important one for many to ponder and therefore write about as well.

It's quite overwhelmingly evident that many of the faithful have no idea why they believe in god, they just in effect, do. This is not necessarily a causal defect for their own personal lives, but it shows the blatant acceptance of faith out of fear.

What is that fear?

Fear of the loss of the community.

That is what I currently struggle with. I mourn it. Really and truly, tears flow as I ponder what was.

 No one and I mean, no one knows I am an atheist. Everyone thinks I am a "back slid den christian" = translation, I don't go to church, I swear I drink, but I don't disrespect any holidays, prayers for meals and have even bullshitted my way through a prayer or two (see Meet the Parents for a good example of this visual).

I grew up in the church. I was the church. The nursery room before I could walk or talk. The Kid's Church (not called Sunday School in my circles).  The Youth Groups, Mexico Mission Trips, first crushes, dates, leaving room for the holy spirt. Youth Rallies, Miracle Crusades, Conventions, Prayer meetings, Christian Concerts.

IT was my culture. And then it came down. Like the foolish man who built his house upon the sand. (I know, it's a cold blow to use one of Jesus's parables to mock him...but he'll get over it, he's dead.)

During this whole time I went through adversities like any other kid, but I had a severly disabled sister that I witnessed over and over again at the non-miraculous nature of God. And when I was 16 I starting having seizures.

Back then being young, being new to jerking off and always being faced with guilt. I thought that my seizures were god's payback for all that spilled seed. Guilt and shame.

I broke away from my parent's church when I was about 18 years old to go to another church. In the pentecostal community though, it's just one disfunction to the next.

That year I met a Girl who went to a very conservative girl and we stopped going to this church until we broke up. Then there I was. Working at a Christian bookstore, but no "home". I don't know how I could ever truly spell out the feeling a person gets when they make that sort of commitment to Jesus Christ...It engrossing, borderline cultic.

Later after a couple church changes, I was chasing tail after this one girl to a college bible study group, but instead met my wife. We talked and had a great time. We started singing a bunch together and eventually you know the rest.

So everything for me in my life could maybe left me at an apethitic christian, but that's not where the story ended.

The month after my wife and I got married she  had surgery to get a thyroid tumor removed. She recovered fine, but 6 months later I found a job I hated, quit and the same morning found out my 26 year old wife would not be able to have children.

Bombshell.

Now I can here people of faith now saying. You're a brat. You let this little stumbling block get to you. God knows all  things sees all things, he will never leave or forsake you.

It's all in his plan.

Please excuse the following language.

Fucking Bullshit!

God's plan is fucked up.

Just a short line of logic: My wife and I are two steady leveled heady people, stable marriage have never done drugs, occassionally drink, are not prone to any kind of violence and generally get along with each other. We also have Master's Degree's in Teaching which would provide a child with parents that would have skills to raise them with a nurturing education. Our parents our married (Both of our mom and dads, good support.) everything about our situation lends to a good outcome except what the actual outcome is.

Please humor me a moment. On the other side, you'll have a 19 year old who did not finish school, who works a fast food resteraunt and lives in a trailer. She has never known here dad and never will. Both she and her mom are addicted to meth so much so that one night she was raped and got pregnant from the rape.

Please tell me if this is a fair fucking god. If say, I do reach the pearly gates and I saint peter and he'll ask what do have to say for yourself I think what I really want to say is, what do you have to say for your self?

World hunger? Greed? Murder? Anxiety?Unfairness? Inequality...the list could go on.

I got back to my original point why am I not a christian? Because I don't need to necessarily prove anything.

Creationist are a perfect example as to why they can't hold true to this theory. They HAVE to believe that the world was created in six days or everything for them falls apart. Everything.

I don't have to prove anything, but I have the ability to prove several things. What we can know and what a reasonable person Christian or not, has to agree scientifically you can not prove supernatural phonema in a natural world.

I also must say in my parting thoughts. So many times, when we didn't understand something, a person would say, " It's all part of his plan or god is a mystery.: ,but it so comforting to know that their is no an evil force out to get me. The decisions I made are mine. Period. Good bad different. But I am in control of my life and I love it.